Privacy Policy

Effective Date: 9/6/2025

Welcome to The New Yerr Times (“we,” “our,” or “us”). We respect your privacy, even if our stories are unreliable. This Privacy Policy explains how we collect, use, and protect your information when you visit our website [newyerrtimes.com] (the “Site”).

By using the Site, you agree to the terms of this Privacy Policy. If you don’t agree, well, that’s fine — but you may want to close the tab.

1. Information We Collect

When you interact with our Site, we may collect the following:

Personal Information: Name and email address if you sign up for our newsletter.
Non-Personal Information: Browser type, device info, IP address, and site usage data (because Google Analytics can’t help itself).
User Content: If you comment or send us a tip, we’ll see what you wrote — and probably laugh about it.

2. How We Use Your Information

We use the information we collect to:

Send you our newsletter (with fake headlines, not spam).
Improve our Site and content.
Make sure the pigeons running our servers stay fed.
Comply with applicable laws (we’re satirical, not lawless).

We will never sell your information to third parties. Rats may sell pizza slices, but we don’t sell emails.

3. Cookies (Not the Bodega Kind)

Our Site uses cookies and similar technologies to:

Analyze traffic and site performance.
Personalize your experience.
Keep track of whether you already saw our jokes so we don’t repeat ourselves.

You can disable cookies in your browser, but parts of the Site may not function properly (just like the MTA).

4. Third-Party Services

We may use trusted third-party tools (like Google Analytics, email marketing platforms, or Wix apps). These services may collect their own information according to their policies — and they’re way less funny than us.

5. Data Security

We use reasonable security measures to protect your data. But let’s be real — if hackers can get into the Pentagon, they can probably get into a satire site.

6. Children’s Privacy

Our Site is not intended for children under 13. If you’re a kid reading this, go outside and play stickball.

7. Your Rights

Depending on where you live, you may have rights to:

Access, correct, or delete your information.
Opt out of emails (unsubscribe link is at the bottom of every newsletter).
File a complaint if you think we mishandled your data (we probably didn’t, but sure).

8. Changes to This Policy

We may update this Privacy Policy from time to time. If we make significant changes, we’ll post a notice on the Site (probably in ALL CAPS).

9. Contact Us

Questions? Concerns? Want to pitch us a story about pigeons with Wi-Fi?
Email us at: newyerrtimes@gmail.com