MTA Buses Officially Slower Than Grandma With a Walker, Report Finds

NEW YORK, NY — A new report grading the city’s bus system revealed that most routes earned a D or F for speed and reliability, making them slower than pedestrians, cyclists, and in one case, a grandma with a walker who “didn’t even break a sweat.”

Commuters say they’ve noticed the trend for years.

“I passed the M14 on foot while carrying three shopping bags and a Dunkin’ iced coffee,” said East Village resident Carla Medina. “By the time I got home, the bus was still stuck at 2nd Avenue. I waved to the driver. He waved back. It was emotional.”

The MTA defended the performance of its fleet, arguing that buses provide “a calming, meditative experience” for riders who enjoy “watching the same pothole for 15 minutes straight.”

Meanwhile, joggers citywide have begun advertising “personalized express bus services,” offering to piggyback tired commuters for $3.25 — exact change only.

City Hall has yet to announce a plan to improve bus speeds, though insiders say officials are considering replacing wheels with yoga mats to encourage mindfulness on long trips.