New York Pizza Outslices Chicago in Summit, Despite Deep Dish Backing From Drill Rappers and Gangland Hype

QUEENS, NY — The “First International Pizza Summit” ended in pure chaos yesterday when New York’s legendary slices went head-to-head with Chicago’s infamous deep dish and Naples’ wood-fired originals. Held in the back of a Flushing car wash, the gathering quickly spiraled from a tasting into a turf war that only New Yorkers could call “another Saturday.”

🚨 The Chicago Delegation

Chicago arrived heavy, rolling up with a crew of aspiring drill rappers blasting beats from Bluetooth speakers and handing out flyers for mixtapes titled Deep Dish & Hollow Tips. Their champion pie was presented in a bulletproof glass pan, which one Bronx attendee described as “more crime scene casserole than pizza.”

A South Side representative named Marcus “Meat Slab” Green argued passionately for deep dish, claiming,

“This ain’t a pizza, it’s protection. Thick crust, thicker respect. You try cuttin’ this, you need backup.”

Theatrics aside, New Yorkers booed when Marcus needed both hands, a spatula, and what looked like a crowbar to plate a slice.

🇮🇹 Naples Tries to Keep It Classy

Neapolitan pizza masters from Naples flew in wearing white aprons, wielding wood-fired pride. They brought VPN-certified pies straight from a coal oven shipped through customs, but their authenticity campaign fell apart after one Little Italy tourist loudly asked:

“Why’s the middle all soupy? Y’all ever hear of a dollar slice?”

The nonnas cursed in Italian, threw basil at the crowd, and stormed out toward Arthur Avenue.

🍕 New York Holds Court

Meanwhile, the New York lineup read like a Hall of Fame induction: Joe’s Pizza in Greenwich Village, Prince Street Pizza in Nolita, Lucali in Carroll Gardens, and Di Fara in Midwood. Each came armed with foldable, portable slices — no utensils required.

Brooklyn’s Tony “Hot Knuckles” DeLuca, waving a dripping slice of Prince Street’s famous pepperoni squares, declared:

“Chicago’s gotta write lyrics just to hype their pizza. Our pizza IS the lyric.”

Crowd chants of “One dollar! One dollar!” erupted, and several attendees began folding slices into tactical pizza pockets to mock the deep dish crew.

🐀 The Deciding Factor

In true New York fashion, the summit ended when a subway rat in a Knicks hoodie dragged off a Joe’s Pizza slice mid-debate. The crowd roared, declaring it an official victory for New York. Even a Chicago drill rapper admitted on livestream:

“Aight, respect. That rat got bars.”

At press time, New York declared itself the global pizza capital, while Chicago promised a diss track titled “Fold This.”