Brooklyn Cyclist Arrested for Riding Fixed-Gear Through Farmers Market, Claims He Was “Harvesting Kale at Speed”

BROOKLYN, NY — A Williamsburg cyclist was detained Saturday morning after allegedly weaving through the McCarren Park farmers market on a brakeless fixie, knocking over three artisanal jam stands and scattering heirloom tomatoes across Union Avenue.

The suspect, identified only as “Trevor, 27, graphic designer,” defended his actions by insisting he was “urban foraging, but like, with momentum.”

“Everyone’s out here buying kale at $9 a bunch,” Trevor told The New Yerr Times as officers zip-tied his chrome handlebars. “I was harvesting kale at speed. It’s farm-to-table if the table is concrete.”

Witnesses claim the chaos looked like “a Tour de France sponsored by Etsy,” with kombucha bottles shattering in slow motion as Trevor allegedly shouted, “Whole Foods can’t hold me!”

Market vendors are furious, with one mushroom seller demanding the city ban all bicycles “with fewer than 10 gears and a trust fund rider.”

The NYPD confirmed no one was seriously injured but issued Trevor a summons for “reckless agriculture.”

City officials are reportedly considering a new rule: cyclists can only enter farmers markets if they bring a basket, bell, and a $5 suggested donation to the kale fund.

At press time, Trevor had already posted bail and was spotted outside a Bushwick pop-up zine fair, describing his arrest as “performance art.”