Guardian Angels Launch Breakdance Patrol in NYC Subways, Riders Asked to Tip in Pizza

NEW YORK, NY — The Guardian Angels are back in the subway. But this time, they’ve swapped out fists for footwork.

Starting this week, members of the group will patrol stations by breakdancing on platforms, claiming the moves both “distract potential criminals” and “boost morale during signal delays.”

Curtis Sliwa, founder of the red-bereted crew, insists the new “kinetic security” method works.

“A perp can’t stab you if he’s too busy trying to figure out how you just did a windmill,” Sliwa told The New Yerr Times, adjusting his beret. “Plus, riders need a show with their delays. Think of it as Broadway Underground.”

Pizza and Paychecks

Riders have been left confused about the tipping policy. Some commuters claim they were “encouraged” to pay the breakdancers with pizza slices, MetroCards, or, in one bizarre case, a signed Yankees cap.

One Midtown lawyer said he was handed a wrinkled invoice for $12.99 after watching a Guardian Angel pull off a backspin between two mariachi buskers.

“I thought it was a bit steep,” the lawyer admitted, “but honestly it was the best thing I’ve seen at Times Square since Spiderman got arrested.”

Officials Pretend It’s Normal

City Hall is taking the spectacle in stride. A spokesperson for Mayor Adams claimed the Angels “fill an important cultural gap between policing and public performance.” The MTA added that the dancing “has no measurable safety benefits” but admitted crowd satisfaction scores were “up 600% since Tuesday.”

Meanwhile, union reps for transit workers are demanding “parity performances,” arguing that bus drivers should now be allowed to sing karaoke while idling in traffic.

Viral Commotion

TikTok videos of the breakdancers have already racked up millions of views. One clip shows an Angel pulling a flawless windmill before snatching a would-be pickpocket’s wallet mid-spin. Another viral moment shows a commuter refusing to tip in pizza, only to be surrounded by Angels chanting, “NO SLICE, NO PEACE.”

Next Stop: Staten Island Ferry

The Angels say this is just the beginning. Plans are already underway for a “floating flash mob” on the Staten Island Ferry, where beret-wearing breakdancers will attempt to “battle seagulls for airspace.”

“New Yorkers wanted safety. We gave them culture,” Sliwa declared. “Now watch me pop-and-lock this city back into shape.”

As of press time, commuters report Angels practicing headspins dangerously close to the third rail on the L line, while confused tourists asked if it was “part of the immersive theater scene.”

Guardian Angels are back underground — and they’re spinning into controversy. Breakdancing patrols stunned NYC subway riders, who say they were asked to tip in pizza as police looked on.