Queens Bench Heist Gears Up as Politicians Debate ‘Public Seating Privilege’

QUEENS, NY — A beloved garden landmark—nicknamed the "Gnome Bench"—was swiped from its post outside a Queens home early Monday, sparking wide condemnation from locals who warned, “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

But sources say the theft may have a political motive.

According to garden watchers and one bodega owner who swears he heard whispers around 3 a.m., the bench was snatched and replaced with an exact identical copy—paint job, Bukowski quote, and all. Word is the culprit is a rival politician trying to win gnome-loving voters by capitalizing on "garden populism."

“I thought it was seasonal weeding,” said neighbor Joan Patterson. “Next thing I know, the gnome’s gone—and replaced by... himself. It’s like a bad episode of Political Lawn Swap.”

Local Councilmember Harriet Chambers held an emergency press conference yesterday on 47th Road, decrying what she called a “security breach in suburban splendor.” She demanded surveillance upgrades for all “outdoor cultural heritage”—which includes mailboxes covered in Hello Kitty magnets.

Meanwhile, the suspect remains at large—perhaps tucked away in a mini van festooned with lawn gnomes and Bukowski quotes. Garden watchers are forming neighborhood patrols, though most just want their photo spot back.

Chambers has proposed a citywide "Public Seating Privilege" law: “If you make people sad by taking their bench, you serve community service—preferably landscaping.”

At press time, Carlson—the original bench’s creator—said he just wants to rebuild: “Maybe next time I’ll bolt it to the ground with a moat.”

Outraged public look on at 'exact replica' bench claiming "it'll neva be the same", despite no obvious differences.